Are you a Misdiagnosed Introvert?
89What A Happy Introvert Looks Like
Awakening To The Truth
I had a life-changing (I'd almost call it life-saving) experience a few months ago. After one more awful job where I felt like the ultimate outsider and was eventually let go because I wasn't "playful" enough, I went rifling through the Internet for answers. Like a gift from the universe - and even though I didn't know to use 'introvert' in that first search - up popped the article below.
Reading it was so revelatory, a virtually perfect bullseye, that I wrote the author. He answered immediately, telling me how astonished he was by the reception of his article and that he was still getting email like mine years after its publication date. He was also genuinely sympathetic and encouraging, two things I badly needed at that moment.
Finding an answer to my inability to fit in was, I think, very much like a patient who finally learns that he has a very real malady and that it is not all in his head. Of course, mine is all in my head. I'm an introvert and never knew it.
Jonathan Rauch's article set me on a path seeking further clarification. I began by requesting two books from the library, which I read quickly when they arrived. They proved only adequate so I persevered.
It wasn't long before I found Laurie Helgoe's Introvert Power. Like the Rauch article, it was exactly what I needed, bringing me further healing in its nearly 300 pages.
The last few months have been easier and harder than I'd ever have imagined. Easier because I now know that it hasn't been all my fault, that I'm not alone, that I'm not a misanthrope, and, pray God, that I'm also not doomed to drag myself from one soul-destroying job to another. Harder because I realize that I must change my life completely in order to find genuine fulfillment and there are days when, as torturous as the rut has been, I'm tempted to throw myself back into it.
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The habits and needs of a little-understood group
Caring for Your Introvert
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.
I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.
Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.
What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."
How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population." [Note: In fact, according to a more rigorous study by Laurie Helgoe, we are about 57% of the population.]
Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.
Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself. [Note: Or having things repeated to him when he (inevitably) got it the first time.]
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, they instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."
How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
Jonathan Rauch is a correspondent forThe Atlantic and a senior writer for National Journal. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch.
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An Outsider is an Insider
I'm an insider - someone who does a lot of internal thinking - in a world of outsiders who talk incessantly about (it seems to me) very little. But because I'm an insider, I'm an outsider.
Until I read Rauch's article and Helgoe's book, I felt like a weirdo in many situations. I had more than a vague idea why I appeared decidedly odd to others. My interests have always been vastly different from the kids I went to school with and, later in life, the people I worked with:
- I thrive on intensely meaningful conversations. 'Small talk' literally makes me want to run screaming from the room.
- I'm put off by what I percieve as frivolous and silly things, while many seem addicted to them.
- I'm far more interested in finding better ways to do things than holding on to old, inefficient ways (even, or especially, when those ways are labeled 'tradition'). My least favorite sentence in the English language is: This is the way we've always done it.
- When I'm at work, I want to work (this alone sets me apart from a significant majority of employees). Birthday parties in the middle of a work day are intrusive. Constant cute emails are maddening.
- Having to attend Christmas parties, picnics, Secretary Day lunches and the like in my own time are my idea of sheer hell.
Another level of hell for me is being told (often) that I look like I've lost my best friend or am asked if I'm sick - simply because I'm thinking. This trespass on my private moments makes me angry at times (especially when I lose my train of thought). At other times, it makes me cry, as it inevitably comes to my brain with the message: No one is ever going to understand you.
Holmes, Sherlock Holmes
Rauch and Helgoe cleared up for me what an introvert is and what an introvert requires to live a tolerably sane life. As there are only a few things introverts like more than contemplation, I assiduously contemplated this monumental turn of events and what to do next. In time, it occurred to me that an introvert mentor might be of use. But as introverts, by nature, aren't all that keen on pairing up with just anyone, I knew I must go about this with exceeding care.
And then, as my eye caught sight of a set of volumes on my bookshelf, it came to me. Why not choose (for the moment, anyway, as I took my first tentative steps in the world of introversion) the greatest introvert of all?
Sherlock Holmes, of 221-B Baker Street, London, England, as most of the world is aware, is a consulting detective who shares rooms with his amanuensis, Dr. John Watson. He has always been my favorite fictional character (though, for those of us who worship him, we would much rather think of Queen Victoria as fictional than our beloved Holmes.)
If introversion means having a very busy internal life; an insatiable, widely ranging curiosity; being deliriously content spending time alone; never bothered by boredom when occupied with one's own interests; maintaining a serious or formal outlook on life; and finding oneself easily overstimulated by other people, then Sherlock Holmes is, indeed, the ultimate introvert.
Who better to emulate, without hope or need of equalling his abilities or brilliance. Didn't Sherlock have everything I yearn for?
- a boundless confidence in his own gifts
- self-employment that allows him to live in a simple but comfortable manner
- the respect (and awe) of others
- a flat in the heart of London
- a laudatory helpmate in Dr. Watson
The perfect mentor.* I shall follow in his footsteps, my grandfather's large magnifying glass in hand, the whiff of old London in my nose, working out how to obtain what Holmes has that I need and, if I'm diligent, perhaps create a life-giving niche for myself in the demesne of the creative uber-introvert.
My first lesson from the great detective: I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. ~Sherlock Holmes
*For those who need a fully flesh-and-blood mentor, check out http://www.introvertenergy.com/index.php. I look forward to working with Nancy Okerlund in the near future.
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I enjoyed this article and can relate to so much of what you say here. Quiet introverted people don't fit well into most corporate cultures, and sometimes we are actively mocked. I am constantly being called "shy" when really I'm just quiet. I like quiet. I don't see a thing wrong with it. I really identified with your bit about "you look like you just lost your best friend," when really you feel perfectly fine. It is frustrating to me personally that so many people think that if someone doesn't have a lunatic grin plastered on his or her face constantly they must be sad or in a bad mood. There's something demeaning about the requirement to be constantly smiling and friendly.
You might enjou Elaine Aron's work on the Highly Sensitive Person. She has a website:
I read her book on the topic a long time ago and it explained a lot and helped me feel like less of weirdo. There really are physiological differences that make us the way we are, and it doesn't mean we're inferior or damaged, just quiet.
Thanks for great read and a great topic!
Great hub! I hope this helps others. Personally, I was lucky enough to come from a family of (mostly) introverts, so I had a much better idea from a much earlier age of what I was and how to stay sane in a world that values extroverts than a lot of people do.
In my case, I literally schedule "self-time" into my days, to decompress. If for some reason I miss a day, it throws me off for days, so I do my best not to, and my husband and older child are pretty good about accomodating me, despite being extroverts themselves. Still training the (also extroverted) toddler, but at least she still takes naps. ;)
Most enlightening! I was an introvert growing up...till I adopted a very social profession. I can make polite conversation with almost anyone now...but I think underneath it all I'm still the kind of person who is most happy by herself! Go figure!
Great hub MindField!
I think you will find many here who will identify with this. Isn't writing something of the ultimate introvert profession?
For me personally (and I laugh at them-but what can you do) at work right now, I'm taking a little guff from extroverts who think writing is stringing out ideas off the top of their head in a group. I just wonder--Can they really think like this?
I also hate birthday parties at work (have got one today, in fact) and what I see as ridiculous meetings where people get together to 'get together', it seems, rather than to communicate what needs to be done. Then they forget, often, that anything needs to be done at all (OK, lol, maybe that's cruel, but extroverts have made us cry, have made our lives hard--maybe we deserve a little humor at their expense!) :)
I needed to read this today! Thanks!
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful comments. I'm very appreciative. And the best part? Since we're all introverts, I don't have to worry about you showing up at my door with a keg of beer and a gaggle of strangers, loudly proclaiming that it's time to have "FUN!"
Seriously (!), my gratitude for Rauch and Helgoe (and my brother, for leading me to HubPages) is extended to all of you. I'm immeasurably happty to have found you.
As an editor, I can't leave that "happly" hanging out there for all eternity. Any chance we can get the young eyes on the HubPages staff to take pity on us Oldies and come up with a quick fix to the "carved-on-a-grain-of-rice" 6 point font in the comment box? Thanks in advance!
I'd like to respond more fully to your comments now that I have a little more time.
Denny, I very much agree with you about planting seeds. I readily admit, though, that it doesn't always quell my anger.
You and I were talking separately about introversion and I know what you mean - I don't seem like an introvert in many ways. No doubt why it took me so long to figure it out! I can talk to anybody (you should see me chatting up the 'boys' at the Veteran's Hospital) and I've even made groups of people laugh at my off-the-cuff comic monologues. The difference is, I need lots of down time, lots of alone time, to make those up times happen.
The one idea we introverts need to assimilate is that 'introvert' and 'shy' are not synonyms. Shyness is behavioral and can be grown out of or ameliorated with therapy. Rauch says (and I believe it) that introversion is hardwired. We're born with it, like brown eyes or sexual orientation.
I heard Joan Allen and Jeremy Irons on NPR the other morning saying that they were among the many actors who are introverts. What they like about acting is being someone else and letting their insider out in a 'controlled environment.' "And when you're good," Joan Allen added, "you get rewarded with clapping." An extrovert, it seems to me, is always on, always performing, and rarely stops to see if anyone is reacting with admiration. For an introvert, those moments of genuine approbation are the welcome they have been denied elsewhere.
Pgrundy, I'm with you on not getting why people choose to make vital decisions about another by no more than a perusal of their facial features. How many of those folks with overly hardy handshakes and, as you put it so well, 'lunatic' smiles are hiding passive-aggressive tendencies (the controlling husband), fear (the timid child), phony bonhomie (the used car salesman)?
Like you, I find others' insistence that I adjust my visage and behavior to reflect their own not only demeaning but controlling. It seems like blackmail to me: Act, talk, laugh, join in the way we do and we'll accept you. But woe betide if you act like yourself. For me, it's fourth grade again, only now the perpetrators are adults - and that's definitely creepier!
By the way, thanks a lot for the book tip. I've had that one on my radar and I'll now be sure to request it from the library and check out the website. Oh, and I haven't forgotten the biscuits - just got slightly sidetracked!
Kerry, there's a whole chapter in Introvert Power about extrovert spouses and children. My father was as much an uber-extrovert as I am an uber-introvert so I know how family interactions can drain you if you're not careful. God bless naps, huh?!
Feline Prophet, I think that, like me, you're a textbook introvert. You can put yourself out in the world as long as you have plenty of time alone to refresh and restore before your next sortie.
Lita, "meetings where people get together to get together..." - you nailed that one. I'd rather be in a swarm of mosquitoes than have to listen to 'nothing going nowhere' for hours on end.
How'd you do at the birthday party? I learned a little trick that worked for me. I always volunteered to cut the cake and pass plates around or pour coffee. I made myself very visible for the first five minutes, then slipped away. Just before the party broke up, I'd reappear and begin picking up and cleaning up. I avoided the small talk and silliness but everyone remembered me as being there. Try it!
I've probably compounded my editing boo-boos but I reserve the right to be imperfect today (and maybe even tomorrow). Take care, all!
From one (lazy) editor to another...don't sweat the small stuff! We're all allowed our typos! :)
Uh, oh, I see someone else has figured out the Birthday Party/Family Gathering trick! And here I thought no one caught on to me... ;)
Oh, and as to the anger bit, yeah, sure, used to do that, "gave it up for Lent" - about 20 years ago. It's too draining of the energy stores and I have better things to do with my creative energy than waste it on people I kick out of my life because they are toxic/abusive/mean. Ya know?
Much better things to do with creative energy, I so agree, Denny. Anger is a useless and destructive emotion if you harbor it. Mine are internal flames that leap up fast and get quickly doused. Like you, I gave up nursing them years ago.
But I will argue that there is always a place for righteous anger. Have you seen goldentoad's latest hub?
I hear ya on the righeous anger - always a player for that one! Someone has to keep balance in the world or the woefully greedy ones would rape all the resources and no one could survive... Haven't seen goldentoad's latest, will have to go bloodhounding thru hubpages...
Hi MindField,
As Lita says, there will be many hubbers who identify with this article, and I'm definitely one of those. I grew up in a big, noisy family who found it endlessly amusing that I'd rather have my nose stuck in a book than be part of the fun. Even now I often feel like an observer rather than a participant at family get-togethers, and yet I love all my siblings very much and wouldn't be without them.
Denny - just search for American Bastard.
Amanda - Separated at birth, the two of us! "Fun stuff" was often a barrier between me and what I really wanted to be doing - reading, reading, reading. Looking forward to reading your hubs, too: Horses in Art immediately jumped out at me.
very nice hub
Meg, you've just handed me the keys to the universe!! I had no idea "shy" and "introvert" weren't the same. So many years I struggled to get over being "shy", even though I've never had a problem chatting up perfect strangers. Once I walk out the front door, I can be Ms Personality. Otherwise, I'm a *hermit*, and no longer embarrassed (or ashamed) to say so! I rarely invite guests into my home anymore because it's too stressful. Home is where I can shut the world out and *be quiet*. I'm perfectly content with my own company, which those who are not consider "weird". Thank you for validating that they're the weird ones, not me!
I too need a lot of down time to recharge my batteries for when I *have* to be up. I also abhor workplaces where the emphasis is on fitting in and being a party animal rather than doing the job for which I was hired.
I too was made fun of as a child for having my nose in a book 24/7. Had I known then that I was an introvert, my life would've taken a much different path! I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to HubPages, btw. I liked the idea of a "safe" place to write, but was terrified at having to be social to be a successful hubber. I got around that by pretending HubPages is a "place" beyond my front door. Not sure I'll ever embrace Twitter as thousands have, but am working up to give it a try.
Sherlock Holmes, btw, has always been one of my favorite literary characters, but until I read this hub, I had no idea we were kindred souls.
Off to the library to find Introvert Power!
JamaGenee - I'm so glad to have done for you what Jonathan Rauch's article did for me. Isn't it life-giving to find these things out?! I still get goosebumps even though, like you, I wish it had happened a lot earlier in my life so that I could have made some radically different decisions. Better late.... I think you're going to find, as I did, that Introvert Power will speak to your very soul.
Twitter still seems far to extrovert (okay, read shallow) but let me know what you think. It may have ramifications I don't yet get. (PS: I'm glad to have found you, i.e., in a low-key, introvert, "no parties" way!)
The library had *one* copy of Introvert Power, and guess who has it now? ;} So don't y'all worry if I'm MIA tonight. Only a few pages in, I'm sure I'll be back here in a few hours gushing thanks at you, Meg, for tipping us off to this *wonderful* book. I'm thrilled to have found you too (in a low-key, "no parties" way). ;}
As for Twitter, think *mosh pit*. (teehee)
Mosh pit...an introvert's dream come true. (Can you hear my feet beating a hasty retreat?)
Is it possible to be a little bit of both?
I'm an extremely social person--I thrive in situations where I'm with any number of people. But I also treasure the "time in my head". When there's something on my mind, I'm deep into it (maybe because my brain is so deeply buried inside my skull?) and don't like distractions. My friends have come to realize when I need to be left alone, but sometimes my family just doesn't get it. "What are you thinking about?" "Why don't you want to discuss it?" "How come we can't talk about it?" It's not that I mind discussing it, but I want to *think* about it awhile. And get me started on a book--you won't see or hear from me until someone has broken a leg or severred a finger.
Does the book say anything about this?
Hi, Laughing Mom. Yes, it does, and that's what, in part, was so reassuring to me. Like you, I can talk to just about anyone, anywhere, anytime but, when I'm doing heavy thinking, I really should wear a sign around my neck with big letters: DO NOT DISTURB ON PAIN OF DEATH!
I think it was Helgoe who tells about a boss who does just that in the office, wearing different signs to let her employees know when she needs alone time, is open for talk, etc. Good idea, huh? (Although I can't imagine anyone but the boss being able to get away with that!)
Recently, I was telling a fellow at the Veterans Hospital about being an introvert. He asked the same thing you did, "Can you be both and, if so, what's it called?" When I didn't have an instant answer, he suggested "ambi-vert." I thought that was great so, if you like, LM, you can be an ambivert! Personally, I'm glad to have found "introvert" and Helgoe's book, so I think I'll stick with that for the foreseeable future. In any case, it's good to find another one of "us" - I couldn't be more pleased!
When you and JamaG finish reading the book, be sure to let me know what you think of it.
Ambi-vert it is!!
UPDATE on Introvert Power: it's the first "self-help" book I've ever read where I wasn't jumping up and down yelling "Yes! That's it!". This is a GOOD thing. With other books, I was grasping at *any* straw to bring me out of my shell, be more social, etc. IP, on the other hand, says it's not YOU who needs to change, but society's attitude about introverts. Quiet people. Those who've been MIS-labeled "anti-social". We aren't anti-social, only marching to the beat of an inner drummer. We have NO NEED to be social animals in the same way as extroverts. A huge difference. Rather than jumping up and down, I was reaching for tissues before the end of the first chapter.
I *highly* recommend this book to anyone who's ever been called a wall flower or "weird". According to Laurie Helgoe, introverts are the *majority* of the American population, not a minority. I couldn't help thinking Brits "get" this, and always have.
Jama, I've got goosebumps again. I can't tell you how glad I am that you're having exactly the same experience with the book that I did. Doesn't it feel almost miraculous to read those things?
And, although I hadn't thought of it, you've hit the nail squarely on the head when you say the British have always known this. Pretty obvious why you and I and (very likely) a lot of introverts experience the feeling of being at home whenever we are in the UK.
Very good article. I grew up an introvert and it really hurt my ability to function. I finally said that I had enough of it. But still now I hate to meet new people and take that first step. I do it sometimes, but I hate it with a passion.
Thank you for a very enlightening article.
RGraf, thank you very much for your kind words.
I want to share with you a book and website that PGrundy put me onto: The Highly Sensitive Person and http://www.hsperson.com/. I'm picking up the book at the library today so I'll know more soon but it certainly sounds like it might be worth our while to see if it and the site can provide useful information.
I think we've let people pigeon-hole us for too long and when we finally discover that we are not misfits and there are others like us - well, it can be hugely beneficial. Certainly has been in my case. Take care and write again.
God, I wish I had a flunky like Dr. Watson
When you find one, will you share?
Aha! It would seem I've been spot on all along that Brits are more "civilized". And a nation of introverts would explain the subtle, razor-sharp wit they're famous for. Not popping off the first thing that comes to mind, but drawing from a vast reservoir of observations, like the nuts squirrels store against a long, cold winter. ;}
Drats! I didn't get to the bookstore today to get my own copy of IP that I can hi-lite in yellow to my heart's content! Where is that Dr. Watson when you need him!
This sounds like my teen daughter. There are even teachers who do not give her good grades since she does not speak up in class. Maybe we can help her feel comfortable with who she is.
Ashley - I'm sure you can!
The minute she knows this is not some sort of curse that makes her less human but, instead, is a hardwired part of her personality - and that many, many people are hardwired the same - she'll feel immediately better. Perhaps it won't show at first on the outside but in time she'll understand how gifted she really is and how to deal with the extroverts who make us feel bad about ourselves. (Remind her that there are actually fewer of them than us - it's just that they're a lot noisier!)
As I've said, I went through years of sad confusion until Rauch's article and Helgoe's book changed my life. That your daughter will learn the truth decades earlier than JamaGenee and I did will make an enormous difference in the life decisions she makes.
I predict a wonderful outcome.
Logically, there seem to be a larger number of introverts than extroverts on hubpages, by the nature of the lonely (online) writer's existence. Probably not too surprising, though is how many of us are social creatures too, but on our own terms.
Of interest is that as I've gotten older, and taken Meyers-Briggs tests, I've gradually moved more from the introvert to extrovert scale. I think it really depends on the circumstances and the audiences with which we surround ourselves.
Interesting thoughts - thanks for the hub!
Thanks for *your* interesting thoughts as well, Gerg. I'm just the opposite, it seems - going from extrovert (or, at least, outgoing introvert) to more introverted as the years pass.
I especially like your phrase "but on our own terms." That's it exactly. Sometimes, in trying to explain myself, I've called this having a strong sense of self. No matter how it is expressed, I think people are a bit put off by it because it signals an insistence on making our own decisions. Scary stuff for many.
ROFLMAO! I am an introverted musical, mystical person who constantly has the gloriously trippy, rocking sounds of Jon Anderson and Yes in her head, who, any moment now, will bust out singing "Roundabout," "Time & a Word* or "I've Seen All Good People," or perhaps a song from the Anderson/Bruford/Wakeman/Howe album...or one of Jon's solo works--or his collaborations with Vangelis...and I can usually make close friends and family bust a gut. (Trying it out on strangers is different)
But unless I am around other musicians or mystics, I do tend to keep my thoughts to myself...unless I am singing a Yes song...and since Yes songs tend to reflect my mystical, environmentally-oriented mind, you might as well be looking into my head.
And as you consider Holmes to be your mentor, I consider Jon Anderson to be mine. His music touches my soul, his voice sets me on fire and his lyrics stir me to be my True Self...and the more I tread my spiritual path, the more introverted and sensitive I get...
Thus your article really hit home for me. Small talk is a pain in the butt. I would much rather talk about Deep Thoughts. Most kinds of parties annoy me to tears. I tried the bar scene with a more extroverted friend of mine--and my Saturn in Leo played along. But not for long. The Lioness wanted the safety of her den. And I have no problems going to the cinema by myself. It's quite enjoyable, really. And don't even ASK me about my job situation...
My boyfriend is also an introvert (despite his Leo Ascendant), so when I am in the need for relaxing decompression, he totally understands.
This entire hub re-confirms everything I've felt about myself. I may play the extrovert sometimes, but I think I'm becoming more and more introverted as the years go by.
I worked as a temporary for 20 years, so I learned how to walk into a new social situation (read job) and make everyone comfortable with me as though I'd always been there. I can't begin to tell you what it cost me to do that.
Then, I read something that made perfect sense to me and has given me a way to structure my life so that I don't go into overwhelm. Extroverts are people who lose energy when alone, and regain energy by being around other people. Introverts lose energy when they are around other people, and need alone time in order to regain their energy.
You can add shyness and all sorts of things to that equation, but that information alone was enough for me to be able to sit back and see why I was feeling overwhelmed so often, and exactly what I could do about it. I now work from home, online. I do some work on the phone, but the bulk of it is writing in one form or another. I go out for social occasions when I like, and occasions of a sort that I enjoy. I don't force myself to do things I'm stressed about unless there's a darn good reason. If I do, I make sure I get my alone time immediately after so I can rebuild what I've lost.
I was at a party with 300 people this afternoon and evening, and now I'm alone in the middle of the night, surfing and writing. This solitude is my mental sustenance.
Laughing Mom, I think I'm someone else who is an "Ambi-Vert" (or at least an Introvert with Ambi-Vert tendencies). :)
I have a whole inner-world thing going on much of the time, and have many characteristics of an introvert; but I like the office birthday parties and after-hours Christmas parties. I talk to, and laugh with, all kinds of strangers. I am pretty horrible at small talk, though. I turn everything in some "big, deep, thing" - and I know that doesn't always go over well. :) Some of the "outgoing" behavior is stuff I taught myself to do, I guess - in my assumption that other people may feel uncomfortable with strangers - I decided to be the one to make other people feel more at ease. Those other people may not feel uncomfortable at all - I don't know. I suspect people would think of me as "quiet but very friendly" person - who may be a little odd sometimes, but not always."
There is that thing, though, where I "replenish my mental energy" by being alone. When I've had something like a doctor's appointment, court hearing, or pretty much anything people often say, "Want me to come with you?" That's the last thing I want! I need to do that stuff (and even shopping) by myself, or else I won't feel like myself or be able to think the way I want to think.
If I had my way I would have had my babies off in some room in the house somewhere, without anyone around - but, noooooo - we had to have "half the world" the room, horning in on my private moment! :) :)
Other introverts I know (I come from a long line of them, and have produced a few of my own) tend to have this other trait too: "Friendly and nice and generally likes the world; but also, in some ways, kind of like a 'grouchy troll' in some circumstances; particularly when one's 'imaginary space bubble' (which is very,very, big) is threatened." In fact, not only do I have a "space bubble", but if I'm in a car, the car has a giant "space bubble" around it, as well.
I wonder if any of this is familiar to others. There is some statistic about introverts (from an article on MSN a while back). It says that something like only 25% of employees are introverts; but that a substantial percentage of "gifted" employees are introverts. In other words (as someone else said), introverts don't do all that well in the corporate world; but the ridiculous thing is that the corporate world is apparently passing up a lot of "gifted" (what is specifically meant by that I don't know) employees because they don't like or understand them. (No wonder the economy is in the state it's in. :) )
Nice hub, glad I found it. I'm in good company here. I can swing slightly, but mainly I'm an introvert. I become insanely bored with sensless chatter and I just leave the party if that's all there is on offer. I tend to find the one who has something intelligent to say. I've always been a deep and lateral thinker and I've put myself in a position where my personality traits are being satisfied. Having the willingness to change makes a huge difference.
BardScribe: I’ll check out the music you love soon. And I DO want to ask about your job situation. I bet if we compared notes on that area of our lives, it would make us scream, laugh, and cry – all at the same time!
Presnick: I first read that line about the difference between extroverts and introverts in Rauch's article and Helgoe’s book, “Introvert Power.” It is a bit like having a thousand flash bulbs go off in your head at once, isn’t it?
‘Solitude is my mental sustenance.’ What an apt motto for all introverts! Bumper stickers, anyone?
Lisa HW: You might like “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney. It didn’t speak to me nearly as much as Helgoe’s book because Laney herself, like you, is more Ambi than Intro.
We are alike, though, in that I was the one who always tried to draw out those who seemed to feel uncomfortable at parties. But I did it in introvert fashion, the way I like to be approached. Not in that “Come over here and jump in this big tub of jello with all of us” way extroverts have (making me want to reach for my gun – or, at least, my car keys).
And I’m so tuned in to what you say about shopping alone. When I do that or many other things with certain 'outgoing' people, my brain cannot think properly and I get home feeling unfulfilled, having accomplished very little or with purchases I didn’t even want.
I think I’ll write a hub riffing off of your comments on jobs and gifted people and whether there is a correlation between that and the state of the country. I’ve thought for many years, as has my introvert brother, about this - and come to the conclusion that it explains a great deal indeed!
Jewels: “Insanely bored with senseless chatter” – oh, how true! The great thing is, when we finally make those changes you mention, the people we’ve needed to meet for years (in my case, more than half-a-century), suddenly show up. HubPages has been a godsend in finding lots of ‘someones’ like me – and it feels wonderful! Like coming home.
Dear God. I've always known what I am, but for someone else to understand it?
That's like having an itch all your life and finally finding someone to scratch it.
Now if only I could explain it to my extrovert husband (read: if he would stop talking about nothing for five seconds).
Thanks.
Oh, Eldritch Elegy, you made me laugh out loud!
Don't try to explain. Instead, get him to read Introvert Power. And if that's too much for him, print off Jonathan Rauch's two-page article. I think it's the neatest little package imaginable on the subject and will give your husband something to think about. (Or, uh - well, I mean--he does think lofty thoughts *sometimes*, doesn't he?)
Good read, thank you for this. I have been best friends with both introverts and extroverts and I must say that I enjoy both the deeply stimulating and meaningful conversation with introverts and the loud and wild good times with extroverts. I can weigh the positives and negatives of both and really for me it balances out which, in itself, sounds strange on my part. I believe I am an extro-introvert if that's possible, with both the strenghts and weaknesses of both. I feel I am more of an introvert at heart but have a very manic way about me that comes out in social situations. Of course people like me are usually just called "Geminis". Quite a strange bunch we are :D
Great info!! Your definition to the word "introversion" is just Splendid!! Keep writing such good pieces.
NocturNalis - Love your comments. We've decided to call what you are an Ambi-Vert, thanks to a fellow I met down at the VA Hospital, because you happily swing both ways (to quote another reader). But Gemini will certainly do - though I'll have to go brush up on my zodiac signs!
Success811, glad to meet you! I really appreciate your very kind words and look forward to reading your work, too.
Hello MindField, et al. -- I have so enjoyed reading your blog and the great conversation you inspired! Since writing Introvert Power, I have witnessed a groundswell of responses -- moving, bittersweet stories from introverts like you who had been led to believe that they were alone and "weird;" stories from parents of introverts expressing relief that they don't need to reprogram their children; and conversations like this providing the mirroring we have not often found -- those "me too!" responses that help restore us.
Introvert Power is a book I had been unconsciously writing all my life. After one too many extrovert assumptions left me feeling alienated, then mad, I decided to write a book that would break the spell -- the mesmerizing but untrue idea that everyone else (except the weirdos) is an extrovert, and that extroversion is the mental health ideal.
I didn't even realize how far off we were until I studied the statistics: we've been living with a lie -- a well-documented lie -- for decades. Introversion is NOT a rare and aberrant condition. Our numbers actually exceed that of extroverts: we are the majority!
When I started writing Introvert Power, I realized I was carrying something larger than me. Jonathan Rauch (I loved his article too!) had a similar discovery. The truth has its own power. I am humbled and grateful that I could be a channel for the truth about introverts.
Fondly, Laurie
Dr. Helgoe - Laurie: It is a real honor to have you here on HubPages! I doubt that you'll ever know all those you've helped and will continue to help but, in my own case, the difference in me since reading your book has been profound. You gave me back myself, for which I am eternally grateful. - Meg
HubPage Introverts: Please point your introvert friends, relatives, and co-workers to Laurie's bio at http://www.wakingdesire.com/bio.htm and to her book, Introvert Power, for which (believe me!) they will thank you.
From Laurie's website:
If you think introverts are in the minority, you are not alone, but you are wrong. If you think introverts are “antisocial,” you are wrong. If you think introverts are depressed and lonely, think again. You may even be wrong about yourself!
In this groundbreaking call for an introvert renaissance, introvert and psychologist Laurie Helgoe reveals that MORE THAN HALF of Americans are introverts. MORE THAN HALF prefer to look at life from the inside out and gain energy and power through reflection and solitude.
Helgoe offers an alternative to our deep-seated extroversion training and shows introverts how to reclaim their sources of power.
Supplemented by the voices of several introverts, Helgoe presents a startling look at introvert numbers, influence, and economic might.
Revolutionary and invaluable, INTROVERT POWER includes ideas for how introverts can:
Claim private space - Carve out time to think - Bring a slower tempo into daily life - Create breaks in conversation and relationships - Deal effectively with parties, interruptions, and crowds.
*The only book that shows introverts how to assert their silent majority.*
Quiet is might.
Solitude is strength.
Introversion is power.
Wow! I'm normal! OK, maybe I shouldn't get carried away,but thank you. This IS good news. :)
Pam, of course you're normal, never doubted that. Coming for a drink with goldentoad?
Laurie, Meg, all of you,
Thank you for the ongoing validation. I knew I was an introvert, but I'd never gotten the word that that was why I wasn't a "small talker." I see it in my brother and sister, but not in our mother, which makes me realize why she's felt so frustrated with us through the years. She still refuses to understand that I don't want to watch the news and gossip about the latest tragedy or idiocy, or why we prefer such different...well, everything, pretty much. But you know, she's 84, so I doubt she's going to change. At least now I can understand why. And, at 57, I can let her be who she is, even if she can't return the favor.
This sounds more bitter than I feel, I'm more sad than anything else. Sad, but oddly optimistic now.
Stay in the light,
Patricia
How wonderful of Laurie Hegoe to pop in and leave that wonderful comment.
This hub and the "me too" comments ARE the mirroring intros desparately need. Otherwise most of us would never have known *we* aren't the odd ones, extros are. What a relief!
Holy Cow! I'm not the only one! I'm an introvert , the oldest child of 6, in a family of raving lunatic extroverts. Yes, I've been labeled wierd, antisocial, etc. ad nauseum. I finally copped the "yeah, so what, leave me the f&^k alone " attitude and drove them all away so I could have a few minutes of peace and quiet to just think!
I can mingle, if someone holds a gun to my head. I can chat, if you hold glowing coals to my feet. I'd rather be off by myself, working on a design, getting that warm glow I get when I'm in the zone.
Fortunate, I'm married to another introvert. Unfortunately, he saves it all up to talk to me about, usually when I'm doing something else. Fortunately, I can multitask. Most of the time.
Thanks so VERY much for this hub!
Just read Laurie Helgoe's comment...rah rah for the introverts! :)
Rah, rah is right, Prophet! Now we can all feel much less like misfits and much more like the very gifted people we are.
Normal, Pam, normal! Doesn't it have a lovely ring?
I hear you loud and clear, Silver Freak - I copped the same attitude but now I feel justified in doing so!
How true, Jama, *what* a relief - what a wonderful relief!
Patricia, I know that sadness all too well. I'm 57 and my mother is 82 and dying. Even though she had introvert tendencies (she was a very talented artist) and I've always adored her, she frequently didn't understand my need for enormous amounts of downtime away from loud people (many of them family members) and what always seemed to me their endlessly content-free chatter.
Hi Mindfield, I found this hub to be very interesting. And I decided to post a link to my facebook Loving Abundance group. Just in case you want to check it out, here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=52166044882&/group.php?gid=52166044882
Understanding oneself does work wonders. :-) Thumbs up!
Hi Mindfield - I love this Hub - I read it a few days ago, during the middle of the night, and then went back to sleep and had a really powerful dream! Talk about triggering a pyschological response!
I work in a computer business and all day I am talking to people face to face or on the phone. After 'not long' I'm just shattered, completely gutted and wishing I could run and hide. During the weekends I go into complete lockdown. No phones, no people. I seriously need to rethink the way I work. My ideal work day would be 8 complete hours of solitude at my PC, making websites, writing courses and other little bits and peices. No telephone to interupt me....Then I think I would enjoy a good and stimulating conversation with another human! Great work!
Ripplemaker, thanks for stopping by and I look forward to reading more about your group later tonight.
Ah, Belinda, here you are again with more fascinating things to say! I'm glad that this hub has made you rethink the way you work in just the same way that your insightful comments on my Stop the Clutter hub have made me see a psychological pattern I hadn't contemplated before. You're a keeper, BH!
Just spent a fun evening having dinner with friends. i'm exhausted, as in all energy has been sucked from my body. It was a lovely dinner, in a pretty place, with fun, smart people. I could feel myself already heading for overload before I even got there.
It'll take me another couple of days to recoup, but I don't have them. I have a dr's appt and a business consultation tomorrow, then errands beaucoup the next day.
It's so supportive to find out that other people understand what this is like!
To all you other introverts out there, stay in the light!
Hi Mindfield
thanks for sharing on this very interesting topic. I can also relate to this in many ways, being a misdiagnosed introvert myself, I think.
Thanks very much, Benson. I'm glad you're here because, while 'the more the merrier' may not fit a group of introverts, 'the more of us, the higher the IQ' surely does!
By the way, I've just 'Stumbled' Benson's superb hub entitled, 'My Very Last Alcoholic Drink,' and highly recommend it to all.
Hey Mindfield, I hear what you're saying. There are times when I'm introverted and feel like an observer standing on the outside watching, but in small groups, I can be an extrovert. Most people will say I'm outgoing, but I don't think of myself in that way. I can be in a large group of people, laughing and making jokes, but at the same time I can feel like the loneliest person in the room. I never really feel that I fit in, but other people don't see that. You know, those people that let you go from your work, they're the ones with the problem, not you. It's them that couldn't adapt to you.
Well, I had to report back...especially with the job thing...I have a job now...as opposed to my jobless state two weeks ago.
And I'm working in a casino of all places...the most UN-introverted place I could ever be...but it is good money, and the people I interviewed with were indeed quite friendly.
I do not ask, as an introvert, that my bosses be the same way. I only ask that they be kind and understanding, and not gossipy, favorites-playing dumbasses.
I do not ask, as an introvert that my coworkers also be the same. I only ask that they simply be part of the team they say they want to be on, do their work, quit griping, and pitch in..and be relatively good-natured about it instead of complaining of how much work they have to do.
My former job was the worst place for me as an introverted Sensitive.
This job feels very good to me. I feel a lot of promise and potential.
I feel good about it because my new workplace is run by Native Americans. It is a place, I feel, where I can be in food service and still be my heartfelt honest self (as far as being trustworthy and reliable is concerned).
In a sense, I felt guided by the Universe all the way...I kept feeling pulled towards the casino when going on my job hunt...so I took the gamble, so to speak..and won, big time.
Perhaps it is a fresh start for me, work history wise...and in many other ways...I feel I can leave my troubled past behind me.
To cindyvine: Thank you for your touching comments. You can't imagine how nice it is to know that someone else (besides me!) thinks there wasn't enough adapting on the other side - for a change. It's like being joined by an army of one - which is why it's great to have an IntrovertPower group like this to share with and learn from. Keep sharing with us, CV!
BardScribe: I am elated! A job where you can be yourself, where you feel at home, and where they pay decently - WOW! I can hardly wait to hear updates, either here or in your hubs. You so perfectly describe what you need from jobs: a place that concentrates on work, doesn't revolve around gossip and dull-wittedness, and where playing favorites is verboten. Would that there were more introvert bosses, huh?
I have to comment on your term 'introverted Sensitive.' I don't know if that's yours or it comes from somewhere else but it's great. This week I've been reading 'The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide' by Ted Zeff, and realized that I've been an Introvert-Sensitive all my life. As I get older, characteristics of that grow increasingly stronger.
Years ago, I ran into a couple in a bed-and-breakfast in Rye, England. They were from New Jersey (he was a senior - as in senior citizen - surfing champion!) and when the news came on in the TV room, the woman excused herself. Her husband said, "My wife is very sensitive to anything negative and sensibly refuses to put herself through the strain of hearing it." At the time, I was in my early twenties and have to admit I thought it was kind of strange. I'd never heard of anyone who felt that way.
Now I think of that lady almost every day because I've become her! Though I don't know her name or whether she is alive or passed into the great beyond, she is like a soul sister to me.
I'm sending positive thoughts your way, Bard - and you can do the same for me because I start *my* new job Monday. I'm going to be helping with the 2010 Census. After nine months in my warm and safe introvert-sensitive cocoon (home!), it's going to take some getting used to. But the money is a must so off I go. Wish me luck!
Positive thoughts sent, MindField! :-D 2010 census...wow!
And the phrase 'introverted Sensitive' is rather mine...and I mean Sensitive in the broadest sense...from not wanting to be around gossip and the nightly news, to being outright, full-blown, Sylvia-Browne or John Edward-type psychic.
I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm a bit empathic. I can also sense the energies of the land around me...for instance...a few years ago, I took a one-person mini-vacation out to Massachusetts, and as I passed through each of the five and a half states, I could feel the fluxing of the energy around me..the type of energy...positive vibes or negative.
I found it interesting that while Massachusetts' energy felt foreign, it felt somewhat similar to Iowa's: clear, clean, not a lot of energetic "detritus." I think that had to do with the high hills in Western MA.
Traveling through the other states, however, felt like I was at the edge of what the Bible calls "the shadow of death." It did not feel good. I felt heavy, weighed down. That is, until I got to my destination, tucked in what I felt was the bosom of the Goddess: large,. rising hills above and all around me. I felt very protected. Someday I will go back there. Not sure when, but I will somehow do it.
I'd also love to see Vermont. I hear so many wonderful things about that state. :-D
Bard, what you just wrote was beautiful. I'm not kidding in the least when I say you should write The Psychic's Travel Guide to These United States. (That's the subtitle - I'll let you come up with a slam-dunk title! :-)
MindField,
What a treasure you are! I am delighted to meet you! It is clear to see that you make everyone comfortable and at ease with your words and wisdom. I suspect you are an empath, aren't you? This is a facinating subject and you have approached it so openly and given some really great insite! I am probably an extrovert, even still I get the deep thinking part. I am always "thinking deep" but the diffrence is I want to tell everyone what I'm thinking about. LOL
The really cool thing to me is that you have not only given the introvert sound direction and guidence, but have let us extroverts peek inside and see what's going on in there. I can see how useful it will be to the extroverts in understanding what some of thier friends and loved ones experience. GREAT JOB! I can not wait to read more of your post!
THANKS FOR SHARING WITH US!!
Bo
OK ! you found me. You know, if not me, at least my basic personality. And yet I have stood before thousands and introduced Rock Stars, I have performed on stage and loved it, but please don't put me in a room full of people and expect me to truly interact, except with maybe a hand full ( hopefully that many) If you read my piece about my mountain top cabin, you will understand better the me that is. And by the way elementary my dear Watson, I have always loved Sherlock Holmes.
I went off to West Virginia through your story before coming back here to comment. Now I'm crying. The "me that is" is special indeed. And a love for Mr. Holmes as well....
Bo - How you make me feel!
Have you read K@ri's new hub, http://hubpages.com/hub/Life-is-a-Choice. It's amazing and the two videos are must sees. The Validation video, about 17 minutes long, will touch you forever. They really ought to make it into a full-length film. Have your hanky ready early.
Yes, I'd have to say I'm an empath. It hurts - so I often have to guard myself from things - but I can't imagine being any other way. This afternoon I went to the store and found someone had left an adorable puppy in a closed car. It was 80 degrees here today and although the pup wasn't yet in distress, I was worried sick. I made the manager page the person and waited until she came. We were both polite but I was firm about how dangerous it was. (I keep one of those windshield hammers in my car just in case and I wouldn't hesitate to use it to save a child or pet.)
You make me laugh so much. Introverts love sharing what we're thinking, too! Why do you think there are so darn many of us on HubPages?
Thanks for making my month (at least)!
I am what you might call a semi introvert. I am comfortable with others, but am normally found by my self working crossword puzzles. I just don't have a lot to say when it comes to small talk. If you get me started though, I can ramble on for hours. Can I join your club?
Of course, M84 - happy to have you! You may be what we've decided to call here an "ambi-vert," someone who is both an extrovert and an introvert. You'll enjoy reading all the comments when you have time.
I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I am an extroverted introvert. Life forces caused me to develop extrovert skills to survive [like a Ninja... they react before they think, making it very difficult to hit them in the face, even if they A) didn't want to break your neck, and B) had no idea you were about to hit them before they broke it]. So, yeah, I can totally hang at a party or whatever. "Give the great presentation" you talked about, but in a social setting. But yeah, total introvert. Nobody believes me. Bet you will.
Hi, and nice to meet you. :)
Shadesbreath: I do, indeed, believe you. You are the ambidextrous ambi-vert. I was the same for years (and can still put on the extrovert side of that dualism when absolutely necessary). But the older I get the more I 'vant to be alone' - or at least to have much quiet time to myself. No, I think you and I understand each other well - and I, too, am glad we've met.
I now understand my husband a lot better! Thanks.
You're welcome, Cari Jean!
Hey mindfield awesome hub. I know personally this relates to me. The picture and caption at the beginning really caught my attention. Reminded me of a time a dabbled in poetry. I was trying to think of something to write and ended up writing about writing. No that wasn't a typo. I'm not sure if I have it on the computer but if I find it I'll post it for you later if you'd like. It's not really a great poem but it kinda points out the whole introvert aspect and how we can be perfectly happy just sitting with our thoughts. I think the last comment from Cari shows the importance of your Hub though. For a spouse of an introvert does need to have understanding. I know I've had my problems always being asked whats wrong with me. When I'm just fine and content. So keep that in mind Cari when your husbands sitting there with what seems a sad or distraught look on his face he's just working out a problem or trying to fix that plumbing, auto or other thing you've been asking him to. He's just gotta work it out inside first!
Thanks again Mindfield I really enjoy your hubs!
If you want to find introverts go to your library,or musuem,or to barnes and noble coffee shop.I'm a introvert and I have known that for about ten years now.writers,and artist,are most likely introverts,inventors,and a lot of musicians,you need time to get that project out of your thoughts and into the real world.Introverts cannot completely change,because they are Always thinking about something.even when they are in a room full of people.it's a gift.I'm a introvert and I have no problem getting along with other people,are going to parties,are meeting new people,but I also like my time alone.that being said nice hub and if you think about it,most of the greatest artist and writers,and musicians ever was introverted.
I think I love you! This article is so good. And unfortunately, so me. I get along well with others, I don't mind socializing...but I have NO friends. I LOVE to be alone. I beg for quiet time & become quite irritable when I go days without it.
Thanks for the Hub!
Jane@CM - Well, you've got a friend now! But I know exactly what you mean.
By the way, I've read two of your hubs and will be back there soon to write comments and join your fan club.
Meg
Loved it all. I'm an introvert and my husbands an extrovert, but after 19 years we do manage to meet in the middle most of the time. Of course, he still can't understand and just shakes his head as to how i can spend hours alone with a good book or just enjoying a cup of tea and doing absolutley nothing and not thinking about nothing. He's always asking me "what's wrong" to which I reply "nothing, just thinking" to which he says "thinking about what" to which i reply (again) "nothing, just thinking". And it has always shocked me when someone will call me arrogant and the like, now it nice to understand why. Still haven't seen "Dillinger", how about you?
Still haven't seen it and glad you reminded me. I'll check my library - perhaps it's available there already.
By the way, I get more and more introverted as the years go by. Listening to people prattle on about nothing is literally painful to me. I gave up TV completely and most radio programs and feel much better for it. It won't be long before I'll want to escape completely and live in a cave!
I totally understand. There are a few tv shows i still like to watch and will watch the classics channel for movies but other than that, most days don't even turn the tv on. Same with radio unless it's an all music channel with no ads. Not ready for a cave yet, but a nice log cabin way back in the mountains would be great.
Great hub, finally someone who understands what being an introvert is. I just wish others around me could figure it out.
Snake Eyes - Make friends with some of those who commented here. They understand - and won't clutter your inbox with stuff-and-nonsense. Maybe as we realize who we are and what we need, those other types will get the picture, too!
I was chatting with my sisters the other day, and I thought of this hub. I know they will enjoy reading it as much as I did. Thanks, it is a wonderful hub! :D
I was so happy to go to the top and find that I have not been following you. I would hate to think I had been following you, and missed this fantastic hub!
I have recognized my introversion for a while, but I thought I was odd because of it. How refreshing it is to know that there are so many of us out there! Maybe we should all get together and . . . nah, bad idea.
I've always been able to function - even perform - but found mingling afterward difficult.
I'm following you now, so I'll be able to regret missing brilliant hubs in the future. Hopefully, though, not too often!
Glad I came across this hub! I did some research a few weeks ago and learned I'm an HSP. I think I'm an introvert (I tend to hide when people are around) although I have managed to do some very extrovert things like student teaching (and this was different because I could teach about the subject matter that fascinated me and connect with the students who adored reading as much as I did).
I hate small talk and have never understood exactly why gossip interested so many people. I am curious about one point, though. In doing research on hermits, I found, oddly, that there was a hermit community. Maslow pointed out that humans have a need to belong (perhaps the reason why so many introverts adapt to extrovert society?) and so I'm wondering if, for introverts, there is still that need for human connection, if only of a different kind? I know for myself there is -- I just bond more over talking about ideas than people.
Awesome hub! Look forward to reading more.
A hermit community! That's too wonderful...and too funny. You made my day, Elefanza.
So I have been very depressed and alone. I live in a town where I know no one. I am an introvert by definition but I crave someone to have around sometimes to make me happy, but then they get on my nerves if they are around too much. I am shy and don't meet people well. I feel I can't make myself happy at times. Does this sound normal?
The author of a book I'm reading right now commented here! That's so cool!
The first step is admitting you don't have a problem. :)
Mind opening article MindField! I just recently discovered that shyness and introversion are not the same thing. I always felt as though I was an outcast for being both. I was painfully shy as a child and a bit of an outcast for it. As I grew up, I became less shy, but still needed a good amount of time by myself to process things as well as that extra time to think things over. A couple of my friends do not seem to understand why it takes me so long to process my thoughts and respond to important topics. I can easily respond to day to day questions such as what I did that day or facts, but it's harder to talk about more serious issues regarding feelings. I have always been a people pleaser as well and need to think before I speak. I tend to process things internally rather than doing so while speaking, which has caused some rifts with some friends since they don't seem to understand that.
I wouldn't consider myself shy anymore as I can talk with anyone I think. I just need that time to process what is happening. I have thought that there was something wrong with me just because I need that time to process inward and I can't just jump in the middle of a conversation without thinking about everything first. Thanks for the awesome article! It makes me feel a little better. :)
Denny Lyon 3 years ago
Fascinating piece! By their definition I could be accused of being an introvert. I always figured an introvert was someone who was self-absorbed constantly or excessively shy in social situations and therefore rejecting of others.
Sure, I'm a very deep thinker and therefore that thinking is simply not welcome in most circles most of the time - even here on hubpages. I can make small talk like anyone else but my brain generally goes to calculating a strategy for problem-solving or the like simultaneously. Being intelligent does have its drawbacks I suppose.
I don't waste time getting angry at others for not being deep thinkers or not wanting to plumb the depths like I do - I just figure it isn't their time yet to do so. Trust me; life tests come along and force it sooner or later. I just may not be there to witness it but generally hear about it years later that validates me.
My job as a serious person was to talk about a serious subject at the time called "planting the seed" and later a situation would come along to water it and then the person would catch on. Life works like that I've found.
You certainly are a very interesting person and wonderful writer! Time to go check out your website too. Delighted to meet another serious and deep thinker - this calls for a "Thank You, God!" :)